chocolate peppermint stick luna bar at 3am

some things that i notice about myself when i’m nursing some kind of heartbreak, especially that of a somewhat deep and romantic persuasion, i:

1. eat chocolate

a. good thing i have so many generous neighbors with OFW’s in their families that keep them somewhat, albeit irregularly, stocked with little hershey’s miniatures (krackel! special dark!), chocolate kisses, Arabic chocolate, mini white chocolate toblerones, and mini nestle crunches

i. i always bring home some kind of pasalubong for my neighbors when i go traveling. it could be piyaya or mascovado from negros. or durian candy from davao. or otap from cebu. so, it’s a lovely exchange, or at least i think it’s lovely.

ii. i know. it’s cliché. and true.

b. good thing also that i have a stash of luna bars from trader joe’s for when i don’t feel like cooking or bothering with food at all

i. chocolate peppermint stick (my fave)

ii. nutz over chocolate

iii. they are a bit smushed and are past the “best by” freshness date, but they faithfully serve their purpose nonetheless

2. write

a. either in my journal, which is somewhere packed still in one of my suitcases and which is running out of pages. i neglected to buy another one when i was in the states because, for the love of God and all things Holy, a new black moleskine lined journal is $17.00.

i. they sell these in manila for like P1200, which is like $25.00.

ii. i will likely pick one up next time i’m in manila, which will be next week before i head back down to Iloilo again.

iii. note to self: next time, i will just shut up and shell out the $40 and buy two.

b. or i blog. obviously, you know this, if you are reading this.

i. i usually write my entries offline and upload accordingly. i have a prepaid wireless internet account and an excruciatingly slow internet connection.

ii. excruciatingly

iii. s-l—o-w.

3. reach for Liz Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love

a. i freakin’ love this book.

b. it’s about this American woman who is in her mid-30’s, who after a failed marriage and a dismal love affair, decides to leave her somewhat settled life in the states for a year and embark on a spiritual journey through Italy, India, and Indonesia.

i. yah, go figure i would love this freakin’ book…

ii. it’s not me…it’s the little narcissist in me.

c. i remember reading this book the first time.

i. i would bring it with me back and forth when i rode the BART to San Francisco when i worked at Glide.

ii. i would throw my head back and laugh at some parts.

iii. i still do that.

d. there are so many good parts.

i. like the concept of speaking American. (pg. 291) dude, do i get this. was just emailing Leny the other day that i missed speaking American English. really, what i miss is the clever banter my friends and i used to volley. at its best, it was a kinda Swingers style (the movie, not the lifestyle—not that there’s anything wrong with it), repartee that was peppered with quick wit and pop culture. i remember one time Vassi’s dog, Chai, wanted to look out a fogged up window. i don’t recall if we were in the car or in my San Francisco apartment. i think the car. but the window was fogged up, and she licked the glass so she could see through. Vas and I looked at each other, startled, amazed at the cleverness of her girl. i remember saying something like, “man, that is so Jurassic Park. Chai is like velociraptor smart.” that still makes me laugh. (never gets old.) but, that kind of thing doesn’t really translate well here.

ii. and the concept of soul mates (pg. 148) “like a dog at the dump…” when i find myself obsessing, which under the right circumstances and with the right subject(s) (person(s)), as i am wont to do, i re-read this part. over and over and over. again. and then again. and then one more time. after which i read it just once more. my copy of this book just naturally opens to this page.

iii. and conversations between herself and her higher Self (weaved all throughout) can relate to this. go figure.

iv. and her devotion to her spiritual Practice, the Teachings, and her Guru (especially her time in India). which reminds me that i’d like to go there someday. i will, i know. someday. sooner rather than later. which also reminds me that i miss my Teacher and my Community at the Center. the best dharma talks happened when we were sweeping the floor. or running errands. or getting Arizmendi’s. or chai at Crixa’s. oh… chai at Crixa’s! Fatima’s thighs at Crixa’s! oh Fatima’s thighs! Rowell knows about these, and i dream of the day that we can eat them together. to be sure, they are delish. but, perhaps it is the name that gets me, that grabs me. or maybe more it is the story that i’ve made up about this woman, the beautifully plump Fatima, and her lover, the baker, who engaged in the most unlikely and torrid love affair that, of course (of course) ended tragically. but, i digress…

4. watch movies.

a. i realize that i’m kinda limited to the ones i have on hand.

b. a trip to quiapo would cure that. or maybe guagua.

c. in the last 2 days:

i. The Notebook

ii. Sex in the City

iii. Love Actually

iv. V for Vendetta

v. almost popped in The Matrix today

vi. hankering for Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings (note to self: borrow from Rowell)

vii. Piolo has a new movie out; have date to watch it with Rowell on friday

viii. if i didn’t have to reset the region on my computer everytime, i would watch Once. and The Contender. and Finding Nemo.

ix. all of these movies are about Love, by the way, in case you hadn’t noticed.

x. i want to get twilight. i read the entire twilight set of books when i was in the states. that’s like 3,000 pages in 10 days. well, it was about love. and vampires. and wolves. and love. and love. and love. i dragged my sister, Sammy, to see the movie with me in Vegas. a group of pre-teen sensations were sitting in front of us. one of them yelled out, “i love you Edward!” as the lights dimmed. her friends giggled and shushed her, admonishing her and, i’m fairly certain, secretly admiring her bold declaration. she fended off their reproach by hissing back, “what? i do love him, and i want everyone to know.” oh brother. or should i say…oh sister? this girl wasn’t even pinay.



Other things that i’ve concerned myself within the last 3 days:
1. renewing my passport

a. apparently, you aren’t technically allowed to travel out of the country if you have less then 6 months before your passport expiration date.

i. mine expires in april

ii. no time to renew it while in the states. was only there for 10 days, most of which were holidaze…

b. i’ve turned into the ugly American when dealing with express 21, the courier service of the US embassy in Manila.

i. they have had annoyingly polite, yet utterly ineffective, rote, decision tree, no critical thinking skills customer service and have failed to deliver the renewal paperwork to me as promised. twice now. both times which they claimed that the makati Shangri-la was closed when they tried to deliver. wha?

ii. i notice i speak with a very American accent when i want to be the ugly American. i did this when i spoke with the supervisor. twice. i do notice that the other person tries to speak Tagalog with me, and i speak English back, with an even more pointed edge. ugh. not pretty. fairly ugly. and true.

iii. i worry that this is the company that i leave the fate of my passport renewal.

c. though, i’m loathe to do it, i have to complete this paperwork. find $75.00 cash. schedule another pick up with the courier. all tomorrow.

i. wish me luck.

ii. i’ll need it.

2. making curtains
a. i have all the stuff.

i. fabric--actually making my bedroom curtains out of tubao. 16 of them. a patchwork of sorts, i laid them all out, scrutinizing color combinations and different patterns. this while i was watching “love, actually” and waiting for the &?%$!@ courier.

ii. pins—i got these at the monday tiangge, here in sta. rita. about a month ago. and i’m beginning to get why people complain about stuff made in china and the difference in quality. these pins aren’t sharp. yes, i paid p10 for them. but, still, what the hell is the use? they are too dull for the pin cushion. ugh.

iii. sewing machine—i got one at the ace hardware for p3000. it’s little. and probably made in china.

iv. thread—kulay orange. i got it in one of the stores by the palengke. they have all kinds of thread. i remember the salesgirl was so interested in my twang. another failure at anonymity.

b. just don’t have the gumption.

i. i got as far as pinning two tubao together and realizing how dull the pins were.

ii. and then i decided before i actually use the sewing machine, i should read the instructions. (from everybody’s free to use sunscreen, “read the instructions, even if you decide not to follow them”)

iii. after all that, while watching “love, actually” and waiting for the &?%$!@ courier, i realized how dizzy and sweaty i was getting. and my nose was running like a leaky faucet. or a leaky cauldron, if you have harry potter on the brain.


3. nursing a cold

a. i have this irrational fear that when i get sick, i will stay sick.

i. that if my nose is leaking, that it will leak forever.

ii. if my stomach is hurting, it will ache forever.

iii. if i have diarrhea, i will be forever chained to the toilet.

iv. that if i am vomiting, same thing.

v. i think it stems from when i was going to college at Humboldt, and i seemed to have this perpetual sinus infection. it was like i didn’t know how it felt to be well. it seemed i was always going to the health center and taking antibiotics.

vi. i know this isn’t true. and i’m learning to trust my immune system. or maybe i should say that my immune system is learning to trust me. those years at Humboldt were the heyday of my arrogance in ignoring my body’s requests, pleas, and finally demands to care for her properly.

b. feed a cold, starve a fever

i. i’ve been feeding it.

ii. lucky for me, i had leftovers from my dinner with Rowell the night before.

iii. also lucky for me, i went to the palengke early in the morning. i spent less than P300 and bought enough food for 2 or 3 days. tanglad, carrots, lettuce, siboyas, bawang, luya, eggs, mangga kamatis, pan de sal. i even bought some sampaguita wreathlets, tho unfortunately, i can’t smell them.

iv. also lucky for me, it’s been 40 days since Tita Mameng’s mother died. they invited all of us to eat at their house yesterday for breakfast and lunch. siyempre, sarap ang pagkain nila. kampampangan sila kasi.

c. being grateful for my mother’s puffs

i. my mother hates the paper products here in the Philippines. manipis daw. she is always bringing her own tissue and paper plates and napkins whenever she comes.

ii. her favorite filler for balikbayan boxes, in fact, is boxes of Puffs tissue, especially if she is nearing the weight limit, but there is volume pa.

iii. so, i happen to have 2 boxes of premium, imported Puffs that i have been using for the last two days. they really are gentler on the nose than the other brands.

4. avoiding my homework for the teacher training

a. what resistance!

b. what’s the deal?

c. much to do

i. transcribe music

ii. learn scales and practice recorder

iii. daily transformative speech exercises

iv. daily concentration exercises

v. daily backward review exercise

vi. reading

vii. outlining the reading

viii. preparing discussion questions regarding the reading

ix. memorizing a poem to recite

x. prep for storytelling from memory (myth, fable, etc.)

xi. weekly form drawing

d. basically, i’m screwed.

i. i try and tell myself, relax.

ii. you really have been through a lot.

iii. birth

iv. death

v. travel

vi. passport renewal

vii. jet lag

viii. cold

e. why did i want to do this again?

i. just looked at the calendar. i have 11 days to get it together

ii. there’s time pala.