love from afar

so, basically, going home to Negros fucks me up.
not just in the head
or the heart.
i literally go crazy.
and my body gets ill.
there is dis-ease.
and, it happens every single time.

every
single
time.

since 2005.

profound.

i think about the ways in which i have made myself vulnerable.
trusting.
hoping.
seeking.

and perhaps,
perhaps,
i’ve seen enough.

i treasure the memories of the sweetest fruit that i’ve gathered there.
and i marvel at the lengths to which i have
stretched,
broken,
endured.
i may never heal from these wounds.
and maybe that’s not the point.

no, i wouldn’t trade it.
because, the utter joy of that taste on my lips, my tongue, like liquid sunshine, the scent of just ripe mangga…
even if it was just the slightest feather brush of it, i’ve seen my family at their best.
so, i know it’s possible.
but that kernel, that lightness, that goodness, is wrapped tightly in a hard, hard seed coat of deceit and colonization, the worst kind of oppression.
it will take lifetimes for this to unravel itself.

i am to do no more there, not in the ways that i have done it in the past.
how i choose to interact with them from here on out is unfolding.
and slowly, at that.

i am not my mother’s protector.

it will be a long time before i can visit there again.
the risk, for me now, feels like it outweighs the benefit.
and the risk feels grave to me.
i can’t ignore this.
or minimize it.
i am in danger of killing my spirit, my highest Self, that says,

Trust yourself, Muki.
Listen deeply.

what is being of asked of you?
and by whom?
what does this situation call for?
where is the fierce Truth?

open your eyes.

keep your heart open.

wider.
yes.
now, wider.

yes, it does hurt.
now, wider.
and wider.

i hear you crying, Dear.
and asking for mercy.
and grace.
and guidance.

i’m here.

and,
forgive me,
wider.

how wide?

so wide, Dearest, that the anger and violence has no place to hide.
so wide, Dearest, that Wisdom can flow in and reunite with the Love that has always been there.
so wide, Dearest that your actions are borne out of this re-union, and you can live quietly, humbly beyond reproach and regret.
so wide, Dearest, that you can be truly Free.

yes, that’s it.
wider, still.
wider.

i wish there were a different way,
one not so utterly painful.
cry all you need to, Dearest.
there is much to mourn.

you’ve lost so much.
you don’t even know the depth of this loss yet.

but, you will, Dearest Beautiful.
because, in its depth is its exquisite beauty.

and your loss is proportional to that which you gain.

you don’t see this yet.
or perhaps you see it,
but you don’t feel it…
yet.

yet.

i’m here to remind you…
this is your Path.

this is the Way you have chosen to Transform.