swimming

i want to scratch my skin off.
it is so hot.
and the wind is still.

my mother is asleep, lightly snoring, next to me.
she played mahjong all night.
i fell asleep, as usual, to the clicking of the tiles.
they play just outside Lola’s windows.
cigarette smoke, people cackling and howling, others arguing strategy and lamenting.
and always…the clicking of the tiles.

Lola loved to play mahjong.
it was her p300 a day habit.
“swimming,” they called it.
and she played almost everyday.
“kept her sharp,” they say.
and she loved her “classmates,” the other olds that she played with.
i think there were 12 of them, enough for 3 tables.

for Christmas, she gave them each a new lipstick and a chocolate.
all wrapped in little envelopes made from pink minnie mouse wrapping paper.
i was here the morning when Lola was supervising the ceremonial wrapping.
it was quite a production, as i remember it.
the picking of the paper.
the exact measurements of the finished envelopes.
no waste.

Lola’s classmates come to her wake in groups of 3 and 4.
they huddle together, sit in chairs placed right next to Lola in her casket and quietly murmur and sometimes all burst out laughing, no doubt, when someone tells a funny story starring my Lola. i imagine that there are no shortages of those. my Lola was such a character. it just occurred to me that it would be nice to know some of those stories. maybe i’ll try and talk with them next time i see them. hope i don’t chicken out.

now, the hottest part of the day, i hear just one table outside.
i peeked and it is 3 of my Lola’s classmates and Tita Lita playing.
they are using the my favorite mahjong set, the pink tiles.

i have no desire to play mahjong.
it has caused such heartache in my family.
i’ve seen many of my relatives gamble all their money away.
and when they run out, they gamble other people’s money away.
and when they run out of that, they lie and cheat and steal to get more.

sometimes, i think i want to learn, just to “belong” or just to know.
there were times that my Lola told me that dapat marunong ako.
almost all of my cousins know how to play.
there are maybe 2 other odd ones like me.
and my sisters, they don’t play.
all my titas and titos, they know and play.

and all the family skeletons are coming out of the closet to say hello and dance around.
i guess it’s an inevitability, when so many of us are assembled.
all the family grudges and scandals are starting to re-surface.
long lost relatives are popping out of nowhere, everywhere.
thought i would never see them again.
but, we all gather for Lola.
and, maybe, redemption.
and, hopefully, healing.
well, if not in this lifetime…
perhaps the next.
or the ones after.

i marvel how plastic we can all be, for the sake of smooth interpersonal relations.
it’s hard to be here.
i can be plastic, too, i just don’t want to.
so, i hide away in the room of Lola.
and ponder...
how do i want to show up?
where is my freedom?
it is a constant vigilance, to choose freedom in each moment.

in the mundane, i have three assignments.
i need to refresh the flowers tomorrow.
it’s market day at the palengke, so i can buy more.
all white.
i have to transfer all the photos i have of Lola off my phone onto my computer, then burn a cd so they can be included in the funeral service. that will be tedious for me. i hate doing shit like that.
and i still need to prepare what i will say at the service.
hay.

the fluorescent lights outside make it perpetually afternoon, even in what’s supposed to be the dark of night.
at night, Lolo Jr. wakes up and asks me if it’s daytime yet as he nervously glances towards the window, like he’s missing something.
it looks like it is always 11am kasi.
this morning, he insisted on rising at 2am to take his coffee on the porch.
so, he wobbled out, and so he wouldn’t worry, i told him i would fold up his sponge bob for him. i bet he misses Lola, even if she used to boss him. i gave him another coconut shell necklace yesterday, kulay itom at mas dakot, as promised. he is happy with it and flashed me his famous grin this morning.

ah, relief.
i hear the rain.