sweets

i know things happen for a reason.
and i know, more often than not, i won't understand that reason until way after.

i know i am the sum total of those kinds of moments.

the liminal space.
the space in between.
between the thing and the understanding of the thing.

i'm there.
and i hate it.
it's painful.

i want to scream my house down.
and hit.
and clench my fists so that my nails dig into my palms 'til they bleed.
anything but be in this moment.
and feel this pain.

the person i am and am becoming knows to exhale.
and freeze frame.
and not hit.
and not self-mutilate (literally and figuratively).

i will do my best to stay present to this pain.
to this impending grief.
this actual grief.
in a good way.
in a useful way.
in a growthful way.

surrender.
i surrender.

and it's most curious that my thoughts turn to you, sweets, during these kinds of moments.
i'm not sure why they do.

and they do.
every time.

i wonder if it is another form of distraction.
distraction from the present.
because you were so my past.
especially this version.

perhaps a grain (or two) of truth in that.

and...
when i look thru my biography, you were there the most in hard moments like this.
and i realize the value and preciousness of that.
the rarity.

having someone present that gets it.
that shares it.

it wasn't every time.
'specially near the end.
but it was enough for me to appreciate.
and learn to love.
myself.
you.

i wonder if i am forever ruined.
searching for this intangible thing.
waiting for it even.

is it comparing mind?
maybe.

i am forever ruined.
and i'm glad for it, sometimes.
most the time.
but, i can't settle now.
that's the drawback.

few are like fine tempered steel.
few can stand the heat of the fire that purifies.

and, i live in this fire.
i live in this fire.
alone.

there are moments when i share this space.
it's fleeting.
either they can't stand the heat.
or i can't stand them.

yah.
ruined.